when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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