i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
