If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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