How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
