i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
