Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
