I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Come on in and take your pants off
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