There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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