4 words: hood of his car
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
