it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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