I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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