i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Randomize
