My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
