just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
