You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
i now understand why vodka
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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