Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
