So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
