I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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