i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
