I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'd cum for enchiladas.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
