They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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