It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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