i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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