and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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