I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
areolas are like halos for boobs.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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