i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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