remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
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