Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
