she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
They have beer where we have blood.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
