i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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