Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
