can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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