if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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