Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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