never play flip cup with pint glasses
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
