when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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