I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
