Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
