do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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