saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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