Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
