If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
