If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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