My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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