my vag is so smooth its legendary
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
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