I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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