So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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