every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
