Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
