I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
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